There’s Something…

There’s something to be said about the strength it takes (and it’s not a strength that I generated on my own)…to literally watch a loved one fade away…and still have an unshaken faith in God.

There’s something to be said about going through your day and having normal conversations…while in the back of your mind something is SHOUTING…that she should be here.

There’s something to be said about scrolling through memories and being able to point out the exact day your loved one declined.

There’s something to be said about seeing your loved one realize they are running out of time and cry while telling you that they wanted to be here to see your kids grow up…and somehow you’re still able to get out of the bed in the morning.

She requested crunchy tacos on Saturday…and was unable to eat/speak/talk on Sunday.

She was in a deep sleep for a whole week…and then she left to see Jesus.

It’s been a month.

I still haven’t been able to muster any motivation or enthusiasm for much outside of being at home with my family.

My dad has stayed over often and I feel so much better and at more ease when he’s there with us and not alone at home.

My anxiety is through the roof. It’s not that I don’t FULLY believe that she is healed and happy with Jesus…it just feels wrong that she didn’t even get to see 60 and that cancer completely devastated my family.

Two things can be true at the same time.

I just don’t know how to explain this feeling…but I know I’m not alone.

I know I always say this..but that’s all I keep telling myself.

I’m not the first to experience loss…and the only way through is to keep my eyes on Christ.

Doesn’t mean I can’t cry or be sad…but it means that I know He understands our pain.

I often think about how I’d feel if I never forgave her…if I wasn’t there every single day with her…and had regrets.

I’m forever thankful that God led me to forgiveness and granted me precious time with her before she transitioned.

Before Jesus comes back for us, life is going to absolutely LIFE and we are GOING to struggle…I’d much rather do it with Jesus than apart from Him.

As long as you are breathing you have the chance to repent and get to know Him…He wants a relationship with you.

I pray you find Him before it’s too late.