Mommy Again

My son Ellis was born on August 24. 2021 at 12:52 pm and I haven’t stopped staring at him, completely in love, since then.

I had to have a C-section due to his size-he was estimated to be over 10 pounds, though he was 9 pounds and 1 ounce at birth.

The C-section experience was honestly surreal…and not in a good way. The doctors and everyone were great, however not being in control, but being awake and aware was bizarre. Once I received my spinal and they laid me out on the table, an incredibly overwhelming sense of anxiety immediately kicked in. Of course I couldn’t move anything from my chest down, but I could still move my arms. I said The Lord’s Prayer SLOWLY and no less than 17 times during the procedure because I HAD to focus on something in order to keep me somewhat calm. I kept thinking of finally seeing my son’s face and kept reminding myself to breathe. I lost a lot of blood and a transfusion was considered, but luckily I ended up not needing one.

When the doctor finally pulled my son out and held him up for me to see, all of my worries disappeared. He was here and that’s all I could think of.

We spent three days in the hospital and I just had to get the heck out of there. I didn’t get a chance to rest at all, due to the nurses coming in the room literally every single time I dozed off. I know they were just doing their job but I couldn’t wait to get home and finally relax.

I had always said that I would exclusively breastfeed this time around, since I only lasted about 2 weeks with my daughter. I was so excited and prepared, knowing this would be my last kid, and I was completely ready to push through any discomfort and just enjoy the bonding experience.

WRONG!!

Unfortunately my milk wasn’t enough. He latched perfectly and I had several lactation consultants help me in the hospital, but he wasn’t gaining weight like he should have and was jaundiced.

Talk about feeling like a failure.

I was so sad that I couldn’t provide enough for him and had to use formula. It just wasn’t what I pictured. I wanted to do it “right” this time and go for as long as possible. My titties had other plans.

I’ve been drinking teas and still giving him whatever I can manage to produce, and I try to feel good about that-but honestly it still feels like a letdown. I know that the only thing that matters is that he’s getting fed and getting what he needs to be healthy, but I wanted to be that for him.

This little boy is nothing short of amazing. Even when I have to wake up every two hours, I can’t help but smile. He’s a blessing. His older sister is completely in love with him as well-so is his daddy. His smile is EVERYTHING and have you ever smelled a newborn?! It’s addictive!

I thank God for the chance to have another kid. I prayed for him and over him and he is everything I dreamed of.