Mother’s Day

It is currently 8:49 PM on Mother’s Day 2021 and I’m feeling a way.

Not because of my little family, I’ve truly had an amazing day. My daughter made me a beautiful drawing, my boyfriend got me a few gifts, and I’m carrying my son 🥰.

I have had a strained relationship with my mother for as long as I can remember. She’s repeatedly hurt me, and it wasn’t until I reached adulthood that I realized just how much it’s affected me.

I will spare you the details for now…but from the time I found out that I was having a girl almost 9 years ago, I promised myself that I would never treat her the way my mom treated me and that our relationship would always be MUCH better.

I never felt like I could talk to my mom. For MANY reasons. It always seemed like she was in competition with me for some reason. She hurt my dad, who never deserved it, and I just felt betrayed.

When I see people who have a good relationship with their mom or they always say their mom is their best friend…I get jealous. I always wanted that.

My family avoided speaking about our issues, avoided counseling, and just swept everything that happened under the rug. I’m about to be 32 and the things that happened when I was 13 are still vivid in my mind.

That my friends, is called trauma.

I’m grateful I have my oldest brother to speak to about it because he shares a lot of the same feelings and memories. My youngest brother was too young to really remember.

I have a hard time confronting people, I have a hard time telling anyone no, I never want to hurt anyone’s feelings and I always feel like I need to do MORE. This has caused me to put my true feelings and issues on the back burner for years.

I don’t even know where I’m going with this blog entry. I suppose I’m just venting. I wish I could snap my fingers and undo everything that’s happened, but I know that will never happen.

I just have to do what’s best for me. I have to be the best mom I can be, so my kids will never feel the way I’m feeling right now-the way I’ve felt since I was a teenager. I want to break the cycle.

You may be asking yourself why I don’t say any of this to my mom. She never takes any responsibility for anything, so it would be a lost cause, and I know that from experience. So for now, I’m telling it to my safe space.

Say a prayer for me y’all. I need it.